A Message From Dolphins Management

To: Miami Dolphins Players

From: Team Management

It has come to Management’s attention that recent messages encouraging team unity and leadership may have been misinterpreted by some. Effective immediately, all players are to refrain from the following activity:

1. Holding strategy meetings at strip clubs. While the sight of writhing naked bodies may be inspirational to some, Management feels that such an environment is not the most appropriate to discuss blocking schemes and offensive formations. Moreover, these questionable outings are wreaking havoc on the team’s petty cash.

2. Leaving voice mail messages replete with obscenities and racial slurs. The fact that many stand-up comedians use the “n” word with impunity does not make such use acceptable in everyday life. Nor is it OK to send text messages about sexual relations with members of other players’ families. Some may find such messages offensive. We are not operating a comedy club – this is a football team. If you must use racial slurs or offensive language, please make sure that your remarks are not being recorded.

3. Humiliating rookies and other young players in order to “toughen them up.” We understand that historically this has been acceptable behavior in clubhouses. However, times change and so must our “maturation” strategy. People outside of football fail to comprehend how compelling inexperienced, lower-salaried players to pay $15,000 apiece to finance group trips to Vegas (even if the person paying does not attend) builds character and fosters team unity. What you view as building team spirit others may interpret as extortion. So we must reluctantly insist that you cease and desist from such behavior. Come on, guys – leave the Vegas trips to college players who can best afford them.

4. Sexually harassing female volunteers at team outings. There is no excuse for such behavior. It causes needless distractions – we should be focused on preparing for this week’s game. Players found to have engaged in such activity will be forced to publicly apologize to their teammates.

There will be a mandatory meeting of all players Tuesday morning at 9:00 AM before practice to go over all of these items in detail. Practice will begin promptly at 9:15 AM.


2 thoughts on “A Message From Dolphins Management

  1. 5. Anyone named “Jeff Ireland” is banned from all the Dolphin facilities and must refrain from further contributing to the mismanagement of the team.

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